Let's Get Lyrical

Helen Of Troy... is all about the music. As well as writing about it, we like to talk about it – a lot. Admittedly, we’ve been more interested in our new Guitar Hero sets than anything else lately, but on the odd occasion we’ve managed to drag ourselves away, a particular topic has cropped up in conversation again and again... crap lyrics. Which got us thinking... what are the worst lyrics from the noughties? After much debate and rather a lot of interweb searching, here’s what we’ve come up with.

Shakira - Whenever, Wherever
"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,
So you don't confuse them with mountains"

Madonna - I Love New York
“If you don't like my attitude
Then you can F off
Just go to Texas
Isn't that where they golf?”

Black Eyed Peas – My Humps
“I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (check it out)”

Britney Spears – Mmm Papi
“Now see, I’m mommy
And that makes you Papi
And that makes us lovey, oww”

Feel free to let us know what makes your list.

Women Don’t Rock!

The kids are calling for a smothering by bollock-swinging, sweaty, stadium rockitypop, so AC/DC, Bon Jovi, Dragonforce & Rush will be coming round to drink your Red Bull, mess up your bed and call your mother rude names. That’s right, all the greats are lining up inside Rock Band 2, and you get to party like a real rock legend if you play with them!

Harmonix, and their Guitar Hero brothers Neversoft, have been releasing a never-ending stream of hard-rocking games based on the premise that you get to pal-up with the big names from rock history. But as Leonie Cooper at The Guardian pointed out some time ago (sorry I’m late) it’s pretty much only the men who get to play.

That’s because across the five games there are less female artists included than there were Tupperware parties at Kurt & Courtney’s house. Is that because Hole, The Slits, Gossip, Blondie or Polly Jean herself, don’t deserve a spot at the rock picnic alongside The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan and The Offspring (?!)? Hardly.

Sure, you can play along with Bikini Kill, Joan Jett or The Donnas, but the pitiful number of female-fronted bands out of the 85 plus tracks on Rock Band 2 means you’ll have to replay those few a lot if you don’t fancy singing along to Journey. Again. According to Eric Brosious (RB2’s Audio Director) “[There are] more female-fronted bands this time… but not enough. Oddly enough, girls don’t seem to mind singing guy songs, but guys don’t like singing girl songs, we’re such idiots”. Seems like Brosious' heart is in the right place, but distinguishing between guy and girl songs in the first place ain’t a great start.

So maybe it is because the boys demand that the disc be loaded with as many Judas Priest tracks as possible. But if Harmonix are content to keep the boys (and girls) drumming along to an achingly out-dated beat, and will happily admit to doing so, we'll have to take it back to basics, strap on our air guitar and make do with striking some classic Courtney Love poses.

Jordan Stead

Currently listening to...
Lykke Li - Youth Novels
Feist - The Reminder
Gwen Stefani - The Sweet Escape